i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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