I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Randomize
