I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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