a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
