I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
