"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize