If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
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