2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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