I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
how does that bad decision feel?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
