If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
