Jerry, you need to find god
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
