I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
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