I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Im part way to drunk.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Randomize
