i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
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