he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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