Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
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