I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
