My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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