Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Randomize
