I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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