i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
