Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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