i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
