my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
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