Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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