I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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