There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize