My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
