A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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