I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
