Your mouth is God's brothel.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
