we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
