I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize