Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
