Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
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