I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
