guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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