I need to stop coming to work sober
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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