My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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