Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
