I think my fart just growled at me.
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
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