Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
