I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
