doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
I just googled if crying burns calories
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
