Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
We had sex on a dog bed..
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I need to align my fucking chakras
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
