you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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