The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
