There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
