saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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