OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
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