Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Randomize
