We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
