true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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