so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
