so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
