my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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