I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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