Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
