You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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