I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
where are my eyebrows?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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