Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We had to coat check the pizza.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
